Category: Observer

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What’s A Normal Family?

Ah, families. So much love, so much happiness, so much dysfunction.

I just spent a week with my husband and his ex-wife. Well, it was their daughter’s wedding, so it wasn’t just the three of us. More like a hundred of us. And you know what? It was wonderful.

When I was a little girl, my mother answered an ad in our local newspaper. A pollster was looking for a “normal” family to interview. She of course thought we were as normal as anyone, but we didn’t qualify because she was a single mother raising three kids. They wanted a married couple with children. No way could they get away with that today.

And nuclear family? Talk about a self-fulfilling prophecy. Get a group of only blood-relatives together, and it will explode like an atom bomb. Merry Christmas, loved ones.

I fully applaud and support gay marriage, and single men or women who want to raise kids on their own. And with the divorce rate what it is today, my husband and I realize that potentially 3 or 4 of our 7 kids might end up divorced. We hope not, we’re just being realistic. After all, if it weren’t for divorce, he and I wouldn’t be together—this is a second marriage for both of us. Divorce is a hell in which you either lose a lot of money or a lot of friends. And yet, sometimes, it’s still the best option.

So what is “normal” these days?

One of the reasons that people read books is to explore feelings they can relate to. When a writer can put into words exactly how YOU feel, and you can say “Yes, exactly!”, then, in one regard, the book is a success. But another reason people read is to explore worlds they are unfamiliar with—escapism, if you will. While mining ideas, emotions, scenarios and story lines, it’s important for us writers to remember that the definition of family is wide and varied, and to not stereotype or pigeonhole people. In fact, it’s a beautiful story when a “traditional” family evolves into a “modern” family—when people see love instead of prejudice. Yes, it’s been done (from Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner to The Kids Are All Right) because it works, and it’s beautiful.

With any luck, we writers can help erase the stereotypes and pigeonholes for the definition of family. Hello, Webster’s? Are you listening?

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Are You Drawn To Danger?

Why do people go to scary movies and ride roller coasters?

Why do people read thrillers and watch crime dramas?

What is it about fear and adrenaline that people seek out for enjoyment?
I find this very interesting. If I wrote articles for magazines, I’d be interviewing experts right now. (And hopefully getting paid for this stuff.) I imagine they’d say that humans are getting in touch with their fight-or-flight instincts. Since we no longer encounter lions, tigers and bears on a daily basis, no longer have to tap into that which proves we are survivors and heros, these modern day thrills are the closest many of us will ever get to testing our instincts of survival. That’s important for some people, I suppose. It might even explain why the target audience for really scary movies (think the Halloween franchise), is young people, specifically young males. They are the perfect age for proving their virility. And where there are boys, there are girls. (Otherwise, what would be the point?)
But what’s so bad about calm? What’s so bad about peace and serenity? Yogis are happy people. The elderly (when they’re not worried about health or money issues) are generally happy people. They (we) no longer need to prove themselves this way. Hollywood must have figured this out long ago; I’m only just now analyzing it. The types of movies, books and thrills one seeks out says a lot about a person, if you think about it. Very interesting, indeed. Who needs Meyers-Briggs if you can just analyze a person’s history of choices.
As writers, we need to (we get to) decide what to include, what not to include in our work, and who our target audience is. You can’t please all the people all the time, so you got to please yourself. (Song lyrics for 100, Alex.) That’s the hardest part—what to include and what not to include. That’s also the fun part. In fact, that’s the point of fiction!
Next question: Why do people do drugs and smoke cigarettes? Well, that’s probably escapism… mixed with stupidity.

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Stop the Affair!

Okay, this is what Dear Abby is talking about when she says MYOB. Help me, Abby, to keep my mouth shut.

Here I sit, in a Starbucks, working on my WIP, minding my own business, trying to avoid all distractions, when this handsome doctor sits down only a few tables away. Moments later, an attractive blonde joins him, all friendly-like. They’re both wearing wedding rings, but it’s obvious they’re not married to each other.

I try to ignore them, but her batting eyelashes are as loud as 747 on take-off. Each time he touches her hand I want to scream, “Stop! Stop this now!” She just giggles.

One of my life’s mottos is: Live and let live. But I do have limits. Like terrorism, serial murder, well, all murder, really, and extramarital affairs. They’re just wrong.

Think of the pain that is sure to follow this skinny-latte tryst. His wife? Her husband? Their separate but equal children who, I’m sure, do not want step-siblings? Stop! Before it’s too late. Please, men and women of Starbucks, unite and help me tell them to see the light. I guess I would need strength in numbers to right this wrong, like a flash-mob kind of strength.

I’m no purist, and certainly I’ve made mistakes. And this isn’t about religion for me, either. I just hate lying. Hate it. If their marriages aren’t working, they should fix them first, not after oceans of tears, hours of screams, and millions of dollars of therapy.

Alas, the best I can do is to use them for character studies. Probably I’ll have a character in one of my books who will have an affair, and perhaps he’ll be an egotistical doctor with a pandering friend.

Meanwhile, I’ll turn to face the (very loud) father who just arrived who is making up (very loud) stories for his two giggling children. My faith in humanity is saved.

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What Have I Done For You Lately?

My last post (below) was about losing friends and being okay with it. My primary point was that as we grow, change, move on, it’s only natural that we’ll lose touch with some friends. I mentioned the theory about how people enter our lives, perhaps teach us one of life’s lesson, or at least are there when we need someone, and then it’s likely that, in time, we’ll go our separate ways. But, I must admit, I was thinking about the people from my past who had faded away and what they had done for me.

How narrow-minded! What about all times when I/you have touched someone else’s life? If you look back and think of a lost friend, wondering why you connected with her, why for a brief moment in time she was important to you, perhaps it is you who taught her something. Sometimes we are The Giver instead of The Taker.

I am repeatedly fascinated by listening to others’ memories (especially when they involve me)(it’s a little like looking at group photos and focusing mostly on myself). What’s most shocking is what moments stick out in their memories, and how that differs from what sticks out in my mind. Sometimes a friend/parent/spouse/child will tell a story about an event that I cannot for the life of me recall.

People remember moments that strike them the hardest emotionally. That’s my theory about memory; I’ve never heard this from any experts, but it seems logical. We rarely remember random Tuesdays, unless something dramatic happened. We remember highs and lows.

As a writer, it’s important to realize that readers will remember your stories if there are extreme emotions—good or bad—e.g. The Joy Luck Club, A Prayer For Owen Meany, Sophie’s Choice, Anna Karenina, Hoosiers, The Color Purple, and on and on and on. Those moments in your story should not be rushed or minimized. You must make them memorable!

Funny thing is, you don’t always know what moments or words will strike other people, or when that moment is because of you. Go forth, friends, cautiously. You don’t want to be anyone’s bad memory!

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The Power of Losing Friends and Being Okay With It

Quick, how many friends do you have? Not Facebook friends, or Twitter followers, not even People-who-will-come-to-your-funeral friends… but ‘It’s- 3 AM-and-I-need-to-talk-to-someone’ friends. Whoops, bet that number dropped a bit. Yes?

We all know a lot of people, but from my perch in life, I realize that true friends are rare. Yet sometimes good friends slip away. I’m here to tell you that we don’t have to feel badly about that—not necessarily.

People change and grow. WE ARE SUPPOSED TO! (Did I make myself clear there, with both CAPS and the exclamation point?)

My first marriage ended when I realized I had changed and my husband apparently didn’t want to accept that. (He might see it differently.) At first I felt badly about that, guilty even. Then I realized, how sad it would be if we were the same person at 31, 41, 51, 61 that we were at 21 (the age I got married). How sad if we never opened our eyes to new thoughts, dreams, goals, and wisdom. Or careers, or political parties, or sexual orientation.

It was difficult for me when I suddenly lost a set of good friends (at least I thought at the time they were) when I got divorced. But what was more difficult for me was, years later, when I realized some of my new “good friends” had faded out of my life. For a long time I wondered why I don’t talk to certain people anymore, whether I might have offended them, or what happened. Now I see that, perhaps, life happened, and that’s all.

I believe the theory that people come into your life at a certain time for a certain reason. We can learn from others, thank goodness. That being said, there are some good friends who fade away, possibly because we’ve learned our lesson from them, or because we grow one way and they grow another. Still, I grow nostalgic when I think of certain friends whom I rarely talk to anymore. Alas, life is busy.

People change, grow, evolve, like The Tree of Life. (Ooh, great segue into the new movie starring Brad Pitt that my (second & final) husband and I are going to see tomorrow.) This is a good thing. This is why Character Arc is so necessary and vital to the success of a novel. (Had to get the literary link in there somehow.)

Then again, sometimes friends have a falling out… But that’s a subject for another day.

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The Joys of Summer

From My Perch 2: Across the street from where I live, there is a daycare center. As I type this, the kids are outside at recess. Today, they are swimming in inflatable pools and diving down those slippery slide plastic runners. They’re screaming and laughing and having a great time. While this might annoy some people, it makes me happy.

I had a great childhood, full of exploring nature, eating sand, running around barefoot, reading books, and going to the swimming pool. My life today is the same only different. I explore human nature. I eat seafood. I wear slippers (remember, I work from home). I write books. And I go to the swimming pool, but only when we’re in Costa Rica, and then only after the sun begins to fade. Most similarly, though, is my schedule. As a writer, I set my own schedule, like when I was a kid during the summer.

Growing up, which you already know about if you’ve read my bio, I lived in Lawrence, Kansas and my mother worked at KU. It was truly an idyllic time and place. My best friend and I rode bikes, jumped on trampolines, and made Lucy’s Lemon Squares. We didn’t have the Internet (eegads, how old is she?)(48!), video games, or crazy, programmed schedules.

The important take-away here (she says for the ten-thousandth time) is to be happy. Do what makes you happy. If you hate Monday mornings, change your life.

Life has good moments (that can last a long time), and it has tough moments (that can last a long time), but the BIG PICTURE is what matters. Are you on the right path? Do you have something or do something that makes you smile everyday? I hope so.

This weekend, kick off your shoes and read a good book. And think of happy childhood memories. After all, it’s summer!

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Who Are You? No, Really?

As a writer, it is essential to create characters as complex as real-life people, with likes, dislikes, friends and enemies, joys and worries, with a past and a future (unless you plan to kill them). A good writer will know her characters as intimately as she knows herself, her best friend, her husband, or children.

As a normal person, I wondered how many people, including writers, actually, truly know themselves? Or, better yet, if you were to hand out questionnaires to your friends and family members to describe you, how closely would their answers match your own? Do you see yourself the way others see you?

I have written two novels that my beta-readers describe as “definitely publishable”, and yet, I can’t hook an agent. It has been said that query letters are often so difficult because the writer is too close to his or her own work and therefore can’t talk about it objectively, especially in 250 words or less. I must be one of them. I guess I need to get better at self-promotion and sales!

There are myriad examples of people who behave one way in public and the complete opposite in private. Any man or woman who’s had an affair, is an easy example, but also actors who pretend to be happily married and then suddenly announce they’re getting a divorce. Politicians and back-stabbing friends would be good examples. Two-year olds who’ve learned how to lie and bulimics also qualify.

But I contend that some innocent, well-meaning people often have no idea how they come across to others. Ego is often involved: some people have too much, others have too little. Still others just WANT to be someone they’re not, so they act like they think they’re supposed to, but not in ways that are true to themselves (stiletto shoes, plastic surgery, dyed-blonde hair, a car he/she can’t afford?).

Interesting… this could go on and on. Sounds like a great conversation to have over a glass of wine.

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If Tigers Could Talk

Based on the recent rash of novels with “tiger” in their titles, one might think that tigers can talk, English that is.

Yesterday I saw the Disney movie African Cats. It was wonderful in a cinematography, nature-loving, awe-inspiring sort of way. It was also heartbreaking in a motherly, circle-of-life kind of way. Oh, my stars, no one has it harder than lions! Unless it’s cheetahs or gazelles or wildebeests or water buffalo. The only ones I didn’t feel sorry for were the crocodiles, but I’m sure, they too have sad stories to tell. The circle of life is cruel! My husband even felt sorry for me as a mother, because the movie was essentially about a mother lion and a mother cheetah and the struggles they go through to raise their cubs, and how they often have watch them die or leave them behind.

And this is a DISNEY movie? Well, it did bring back memories of Bambi.

But what I was thinking was, if tigers could talk all of us writers would be hungry, cold, and penniless. The big cats’ tales (not tails) were so difficult and sad that they put humans’ stories to shame.

Then again, if I was hungry, cold, penniless, and being chased by a full-grown male lion, I think I could tell a pretty heart-wrenching story. I’ll try to remember that thought as I work on my next novel. (Come to think of it, maybe that’s what Jonathan Lethem was thinking when he wrote Chronic City.)

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David Bowie on Creativity

“If I’m going to do something that could be provocative or artistically relevant, I have to be prepared to put myself in a place where I feel unsafe, not completely in control. I have no fear of failure whatsoever, because often out of that uncertainty something is salvaged, something that is worthwhile comes about. There is no progress without failure. And each failure is a lesson learned. Unnecessary failures are the ones where an artist tries to second guess an audience’s taste, and little comes out of that situation except a kind of inward humiliation.”

– David Bowie

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My Third MFA

“Thank you, thank you. Thank you all for joining me here in Costa Rica to celebrate the completion of my third MFA in Fiction Writing. The past ten weeks have flown by, and it is now time for me to return to Iowa. But, yes, I’d be happy to say a few words about my experiences.

“I remember, oh so many years ago, I believe it was 2007; yes, I was 45 at the time. I bought myself my first MacBook, in fact the one I still use today. Oh, those were wild times, only one son left in high school, the rest all in college, and boy did I feel free. Take one hour a day, I told myself, to sit still and begin working on my first novel, Any Day Now. Eighteen months later, I sent my masterwork off to agents, only to discover, “I had no hook.” But I didn’t care what they said, I had just completed
My First MFA.

“In those 18 months, I learned how to sit still. I learned how to write dialogue. I learned about voice and the arc of a plot. Any Day Now was undoubtedly naive and autobiographical (I’m sure it will be requested for publication once I’m famous), but it was good practice. It fueled me on to bigger and better things! By the time I put that sweet novel to bed, I was 60 pages into my second book, On A Midnight Street. I was unstoppable, writing almost four hours a day.

“Oh, I knew I still had a lot to learn, so I read Hemingway, Salinger, Highsmith, Wroblewski, DeMille, Brown, Proulx, Wolfe, Franzen, and many more. But most importantly, I bought and read, cover to cover (at least the good parts), The Portable MFA in Creative Writing by the New York Writers Workshop. What a wealth of knowledge! Aha, My Second MFA.

“But this, my friends, My Third MFA, is without a doubt, the most important one of all. In the past ten weeks, while finishing the first draft of my third novel, The King Family, I learned about the business side of creative writing. Let me tell you, it’s intense! Writing is a long, slow, solitary process, but the publishing industry is quite the opposite. Yes, I know, anyone can publish a book these days, but only a few can reach the top; I want The New York Times Bestseller list. That is my holy grail.

“This valuable/invaluable, sea-level education, well worth the sweat and isolation of being in Costa Rica I might add, will undoubtedly help me reach my goal. I will now share with you the most important lessons I’ve learned while attending

The Costa Rican/Thank-Gore-for-the-Internet School of Writing:

1) Publishing is a business with tough competition. The goal is profit. Go hard or go home.
2) The Industry is small. Get your name out there, and play nice.
3) Since not everyone follows Rule #2, the Industry can be brutal. Be prepared.
4) Social Networking is not an option, that’s how you play the game.
5) Twitterati are real people, so are Facebook Fans. Be entertaining and be grateful.
6) The transition from “friends and family” as fans and followers to “strangers” as fans and followers is a good thing, unless they’re creepy, which they might be. Beware.
7) Goodreads, Shelf-Awareness, Writers Digest, Query Tracker, GalleyCat, Publishers Marketplace, NYT Books, Paris Review, Kirkus – okay, I can’t possibly name them all – plus every agent and every major author who has any sort of a web presence… You must read every word put online by each of them every single day, and still carve out 6 or 8 hours a day to write. Also read every book in your genre that’s ever been published. I cannot understate the importance of this.
8 ) No one is going to “happen upon” your web site and make you rich and famous. If you want to be rich and famous, you must do the work to make it happen. If you don’t promote yourself, “they” will find someone else who does. Self-promotion is vital, now more than ever.
9) There’s no such thing as an overnight sensation. Even “New Artist of the Year Awards” go to musical groups who’ve been performing for years. Published authors are not born, they’re made, and it can take years. Be patient.
10) Karma is real. You heard it here first.

“And so, my friends, in closing, to wrap up, with no further ado, here is the bottom line: The dictionary is available to all. Chose the best words; use them sparingly; do the work; then, maybe then, if you’re really lucky, you will dazzle and shine. And visit Costa Rica at least once in your lifetime.

“Adios, mis amigos. Adios, Costa Rica! Te quiero.”